Dr Judith Orloff's Blog

As a psychiatrist, my job is to help people heal emotional blocks and create abundance in every area of their lives. That’s why in my book “Positive Energy,” I describe how generosity is a key element of emotional health and abundance. Generosity accelerates the free flow everything positive in your life. Of course, when it comes to finances, a good job, smart investments, and saving wisely are important. But beyond these essentials, the secret is to be generous, whatever your net worth.

Generosity is an expansive energy. As Norman Lear told me in an interview for the book, “You receive as you give. But you have to expend energy to get energy. Electricity happens from rubbing two wires together. That’s what giving does for me.” Stinginess is constrictive. If you’re on the cheap side, don’t worry. But wake up! Realize it’s a huge drawback; take contrary action. How? If someone gives you a nickel, give them a dime. Gradually, try to let go of the tit for tat mentality, a small-mind approach that sabotages abundance. Be the bigger person: that’s generosity. Also, help people out. Charities, tithing, donations. Give what you can; it doesn’t have to be a lot. Feel the growing sense of abundance it produces, an energy which circulates far and wide. It’ll find its way back to you. Maybe you’ll win a jackpot, or perhaps you’ll just feel better about yourself. However generosity plays out, you can’t lose.

Dare to be unconventional in your giving. Rise to the opportunities presented. For instance, recently while I was waiting for Chinese take out, a woman had ordered dinner, but had forgotten her wallet. I felt the impulse to pay for her. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Thank God my mouth opened before getting mired in that mental debate: “Please let me get the bill,” I offered. She lit up, “Oh my God, you’re Judith!” Surprised, I said, “Yes.” She went on, “Years ago, I saw you for one session. You helped me leave an abusive husband!” Though I truly hadn’t recognized her, I’m a lover of synchronicities. “Amazing,” I thought. She was smiling. I was smiling. The cashier was smiling. All around, good karma. And it took so little to get it going. Later that week, I received a check for the twenty dollars she’d accepted along with a lovely thank-you note.

My point isn’t to be self-congratulatory; though I’m glad I didn’t talk myself out of giving. My aspiration is to encourage you to push past social norms. Jump on all chances to be generous, large and small. If you’re shy, try to do it anyway. Personally, I get a charge out of anonymously leaving cash in public places. I first got the idea when eating breakfast at a diner in Manhattan. In a flash, it occurred to me, “Why don’t you leave five dollars in the bathroom? Someone will find it and feel lucky. Then they’ll believe anything’s possible.” I replied to myself, “Okay, why not?” Now, whenever I get the hankering, I leave a dollar here, five dollars there. Not much, but just enough to get people thinking. Being a self-anointed money gnome brings me great satisfaction.

In this spirit, here’s an exercise to stretch your limits of generosity.

Make Changes Now. Create Abundance By Anonymously Leaving Money For People to Find (From “Positive Energy”)

At the location of your choosing, leave some money there--any amount that feels comfortable--but don’t get found out. It can be anywhere. A hallway in your dermatologist’s building, on the sidewalk, in a potted plant. I want you to experience the high of this. I consider it delightfully subversive and mischief making. I bet you’ll feel happy leaving money too. Repeat this exercise as much as you like.

Let’s make it our business to keep reinventing the meaning of generosity. In the area of money, we must be mavericks in what can seem like a spiritless wasteland. Money is what you make of it. Whether you have barrels or not, you don’t need to be extravagant to have fun. I promise: those control-freak misers with twenty million bucks stashed away aren’t having a good time or prospering. No reason to envy a scrooge. Much better is to adopt this Buddhist saying as a motto: “Your happiness is my happiness. There is no greater happiness in the world.” Abundance begets abundance, an energetic prescription that'll attract prosperity of many kinds to you.

Click on the link to watch a video on the Power of Positive Intention.

In my book, Positive Energy I describe the Four Laws of Energetic Attraction that manifests positive relationships in our lives. The fourth prescription is “Soulful Giving Generates Abundance.” Now that we are in the midst of the holiday season it would be beneficial for us all to reflect on the art of soulful giving. A gift is a transfer of energy from one person to another. Typically the giver chooses an object, wraps it in a box, ties a ribbon around it, writes a card, and presents it. Then the receiver reads the card, undoes the wrapping, reacts to the gift, and takes that subtle energy in. These vibes continue to permeate if the gift is used or displayed. Ideally this ritual is an extension of the heart, a sign of respect, appreciation. At worst, though, it’s a ploy to manipulate, bribe, blackmail, show off, or is part of a give-to-get cycle. In this blog, I describe how soulful giving draws caring relationships and brings them to fruition.

Gift-giving has been read in many different ways. For instance Freudian psychoanalysts adamantly view a patient’s gift to them as “acting out,” and never accept it. Rather, the alleged unconscious motives behind the gift are much probed, such as wanting to be liked or appeasing guilt. Despite the Freudian thesis, many cultures would consider rejecting a gift an insult. In Japan, modest gifts are traditionally exchanged on first meetings, a sign of respect. However, there are also cultural faux-pas such as a present of a clock in China--the word for clock is similar to the word for death, an ominous omen!

To spread positive energy in your world, the following exercise offers gift-giving strategies. As with all soulful giving, they’re intended to convey bountiful vibes for you and the receiver. Make sure to cross check if this is true on your energy-meter. However, one outcome you can bank on: if you give from your heart, vitality ensues.

To receive gifts also requires an energy awareness. The easy part is when they’re offered with love. Accept them in that spirit; let the positive vibes infuse you. If you feel a gift has negative motives, you have a few choices: accept, reject, or negotiate.

How To Tell Fear From Intuition

Signs of a Reliable Intuition

Signs of an Irrational Fear

For comparison’s sake, I’ll share radically different examples of how I use the above criteria. One morning I got two calls from frightened patients who both claimed to be hearing voices. Truly a typical day in my office! The first came from Bill, a schizophrenic who’d been skimping on his meds. Bill’s inner “voice” kept haranguing him, insisting he was a bad person, that his food was poisoned, that his son was being raped again by the grandmotherly babysitter. Believing these “delusions” (false beliefs unsubstantiated by fact), he was absolutely unhinged. So Bill kept calling the cops, who sent a squad car out twice, but found no threat. Tolerant but tiring of this, the officers warned that if he contacted them again, they’d haul him off to a psychiatric hospital. My other patient, Jean, had been coping with despair about her brother suffering from end-stage AIDS. Jean’s inner “voice” said to immediately fly to New York to join him, though he’d recently been stable. True of authentic intuitions, it came through clear-as-a-bell, oddly matter-of-fact and followed the typical progression of being “seen first,” then felt.

Both patients asked me, “What should I do?’ I urged Bill to take his meds and offered reassurance about his safety, a tack that had lessened his fear many times in our decade of working together. Jean, however, I supported in buying a plane ticket because her intuition felt so imminent, so right. Fortunately, she did, despite the expense and inconvenience to her job. That week her brother took a sudden turn for the worse, slipped into a coma and died within hours. Heart-breaking as witnessing his death was for Jean, she was able to be at her brother’s side in those precious last moments.  

Try to separate unhealthy fears from intuition. Though Bill’s case was extreme, you may also have some fears that belittle you or cause you to misinterpret danger. Perhaps in a fit of anger your ex-wife called you “useless” and you believed it. This is not intuition. Nor is being frightened of having cancer whenever a brown spot appears on your skin. Also, be skeptical of long-standing fears, say of heights; these are typically not premonitions.

If you’re en emotional empath, it can be especially tricky to ascertain which fears are authentic, helpful intuitions. Because you tend to absorb other people’s emotions, you may pick up their fear and think it’s your own. To avoid this, always ask yourself, “Is the fear mine or someone else’s?” One dependable way to find out is to distance yourself from the source. Move at least twenty feet away. If you experience relief, it’s likely you’re perceiving another’s fear. Although it’s fine to absorb courage and all positive emotions from others because they’ll strengthen you, you don’t want to absorb negativity. Move away, and keep releasing extraneous fear by exhaling it until the feeling passes.

While some apprehensions may be empathically linked to another’s feelings or, like Jean’s, are distinct intuitive warnings, the more garden variety ones reflect ingrained negative psychological patterns. To resolve these, you must know where they come from and do what’s necessary to loosen their hold.

Watch Dr. Orloff's Video on How to Transform Fear

Are you longing for relationships that do your heart good and generate stronger connections? In my book, Positive Energy I discuss how to radically improve your health and relationships by bringing positive people and situations into your life. Knowing about energy can transform your ability to build positive relationships, prevent loneliness and ward off fatigue. By making the energetic shifts described here, you can draw good things to you.

Law No. 1: We attract who we are.

The more positive energy we give off, the more we’ll receive. Ditto for negativity. It works like this: Love attracts love. Grumpiness attracts grumpiness. Passion attracts passion. Rage attracts rage.

First, define what being positive does and doesn’t mean for you in terms of attitude and behavior. Don’t worry if you’re far from a positive place. It’s an evolution. Give thought to what you value most in yourself or other. You can then strengthen these traits in yourself, and attract the same.

The idea is to find reciprocally nourishing interactions, not to win a popularity contest. (Of course, it feels good to be liked. But I’ve seen this need turn into addiction.) The following exercise will help you boost your positive signals.

Law No. 2: Intuition clarifies smart choices.

Relationships are tricky; they can be a big blur even when your eyes are open. We’ve learned to draw conclusions from surface data: how nice someone seems, looks or is educated, or how a situation adds up on paper. But attraction goes deeper; to make it work for you, other ingredients must be considered. Respect your intuitions about relationships and identify those that highlight compatible matches.

What may obscure the picture is anxiety or intense sexual attraction. If so, go slow until you get a keener intuitive read. In my book, Positive Energy I give exercises to help train you to act from instinct, not impulse.

Law No. 3: Seeing the best in people magnetizes them.

Instead of reflexively accentuating the worst in a person or situation, choose to energize positive qualities. The object isn’t to flatter, make nice, be politically correct or ignore intuitive red flags – nor to deny someone’s dark side or placate abusers. Your goal is to mine the gold in positive relationships and elevate the communication in more difficult ones.

We want to have the goodness in us acknowledges. If you want to connect with someone, notice his or her assets. Let’s say a co-worker is snitty. Realize that happy people don’t act this way. So instead of being snitty back or constantly miffed, redirect the energy. Comment on the long hours she puts in, or her dynamite shoes. Use this approach for a week – as well as the ones below – and watch the vibes change.

Law No. 4: Soulful giving generates abundance.

Giving is supposed to feel good; if not, something’s wrong. Soulful giving enlarges your capacity to be more caring – you give for the joy of it, expecting nothing in return. In contrast, codependent giving bleeds life force; it’s driven by obligation, guilt or a martyr-complex, and it leaves the giver feeling sucked dry, unappreciated and put upon.

You want to give for reasons that energize you, not because you’re taking inappropriate responsibility for others. The following strategies will generate bountiful vibes for you and the receiver. If you give from your heart, your vitality will soar.

Use these “laws” to mobilize excellence and kindness in your relationships. Emphatically say “no” to anything that doesn’t further the heart. Cheer each success. Don’t cheat your joy by jumping too quickly to the next ambition. Instead, pledge to value even the tiniest of triumphs. That’s what the art of positive living is about.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s New York Times Bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

In my book “EMOTIONAL FREEDOM” I emphasize the importance of forgiveness and why revenge doesn’t work. Forgiveness is the act of compassionately releasing the desire to punish someone or yourself for an offense. It’s a state of grace, nothing you can force or pretend. There are no short cuts. Mistakenly, some of my patients, wanting to be “spiritual,” have prematurely tried to forgive after someone emotionally knifes them in the gut. First, you must feel anger before you can begin to forgive. I gradually guide patients to the large-heartedness of forgiving injuries either caused by others or self-inflicted.

Revenge is the desire to get even when someone does you wrong. It’s natural to feel angry, to say “I’m not going to let that **** get away with this,” whatever “this” is. However, revenge reduces you to your worst self, puts you on the same level with those spiteful people we claim to abhor. Additionally, studies have shown that revenge increases stress and impairs health and immunity. Sure, if someone hits you with a stick, you have the impulse to hit them back--the basis for wars. To thrive personally and as a species, we must resist this predictable lust for revenge, and seek to right wrongs more positively. This doesn’t make you a pushover; you’re just refusing to act in a tediously destructive way antithetical to ever finding peace. As Confucious says, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

What I’m suggesting is a version of “turn the other check” yet still doing everything to preserve what’s important to you. The hard part, though, is watching someone “get away with something” when there’s nothing you can do about it. Yes, your wife left you for the yoga instructor. Yes, your colleague sold you out. With situations like this in my life, I take solace in the notion of karma, that sooner or later, what goes around comes around. Also know that the best revenge is your success, happiness, and the triumph of not giving vindictive people any dominion over your peace of mind.

Forgiveness refers to the actor not the act. Not to the offense but the woundedness of the offender. This doesn’t mean you’ll run back to your battering spouse because of compassion for the damaged person he or she is. Of course you want to spare yourself mistreatment. However, from a distance, you can try to forgive the conscious or unconscious suffering that motivates people. Our desire to transform anger is a summoning of peace, well worth the necessary soul stretching.

To experience forgiveness, try this exercise from “EMOTIONAL FREEDOM’

Emotional Action Step. Be Bigger Than Anger--Practice Forgiveness Now

Here’s how forgiveness can work in a range of situations where you’d have every right to be angry. It establishes a kinder mindset whether or not you decide to confront someone.

Forgiveness is a paradigm-shifting solution for transforming anger. It liberates you from the trap of endless revenge so that you can experience more joy and connection. Forgiveness does more for you than anyone else because it liberates you from negativity and lets you move forward. Forgiving might not make anger totally dissolve but it will give you the freedom of knowing you are so much more.

CLICK ON LINK TO WATCH A VIDEO ON HOW TO TRANSFORM FRUSTRATION WITH PATIENCE.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff's Guide to Intuitive Healing: 5 Steps to Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Wellness

In my book “Guide to Intuitive Healing” I discuss the difference between lust and love as well as techniques to enhance sexual wellness. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy--it often dissipates when the “real person” surfaces. It’s the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she “can do no wrong.” Being in love doesn’t exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.

Another challenge of sexual attraction is learning to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of being with someone. This isn’t easy in the midst of hormones surging, but it’s essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when you’re attracted to someone. This needn’t pull the plug on passion, but it’ll make you more aware so you don’t go looking for trouble.

Watch for:

Over the years, I’ve spoken at women’s prisons and domestic violence centers. My talk, "How Listening to Your Gut Can Prevent Domestic Violence," focuses on showing women how to identify and act on their inner voice. The gut senses a potential for kindness and violence. Many women who'd been in abusive relationships admitted, "My gut initially told me something was wrong--but I ignored it." The pattern was consistent. They'd say, "I'd meet a man. At first he'd be charming, sexy, sweep me off my feet. The electricity between us was amazing. I'd write off the voice in my gut that said 'you better watch out' as fear of getting involved. When later the abuse began, I was already hooked." Some gut instincts though, are anything but subtle. On a first date, one woman landed in the hospital with an IV, retching from "psychosomatic" abdominal pain. But did that stop her from seeing the guy? No. From these women we gain a real-world lesson: no matter how irresistibly attractive someone appears, close attention to your gut will enable you to see beneath exteriors.

It’s so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes. Then you’re not always guarding against a basic suspicion or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, “This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy.” To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs I presented. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve.

CLICK ON LINK TO WATCH A VIDEO ON HOW TO MAKE INTUITIVE DECISIONS.

As a psychiatrist, I believe that dreams provide extraordinary insights into improving your health, relationships and career. I consult my dreams for all important decisions using a technique that I describe in "Emotional Freedom" and below. You'd be surprised by the invaluable advice that your dreams give, either spontaneously or on request.

Science magazine reports that sleeping on a problem, which results in "unconscious thought," can lead to smarter decisions than over-thinking -- especially when it comes to important choices. For instance, if you're going crazy analyzing the pros and cons of a relationship, the Science study suggests that that won't get you very far; rather, it proposes that you think less and sleep on the dilemma, to give your subconscious an opportunity to solve the problem.

I subscribe to the "sleep on it" school of decision-making, which involves drawing on the wisdom of dreams. Why do we dream? To find answers, resolve emotional conflicts and discharge negativity, as well as to stabilize our biochemistry and mood. However, to me, another interesting question is why we wake up. Native American and Aboriginal cultures revere dream-time over waking life; they base tribal law on information obtained there. The Maoris believe that when we die, we return to the dream world. Kalahari Bushmen say, "There is a dream, and it is dreaming us." So, in your own life, your dreams can contain advice that goes beyond the Annals of Internal Medicine.

How To Remember And Interpret Your Dreams

I recommend the following 5 strategies to remember your dreams:

Try this every day for a week. Keep at it. You are programming your subconscious to remember. Soon it will become second nature to you.

How do you interpret dreams? One key is to notice the most highly charged emotion in the dream -- for instance, anger, fear or joy. Next, ask yourself, "Where in my life am I feeling these emotions?" Then, consider how you can heal the situation or else celebrate a success. In addition, here are some common dreams and their interpretations.

A Guide To Interpreting Common Psychological Dreams (From Emotional Freedom)

Dreams About Your Fears, Anxieties and Insecurities:

Dreams Affirming Your Strengths, Emotional Achievements and Largeness of Spirit:

Dreams let you pinpoint an emotional conflict so that you can solve it. For instance, if you're standing naked before a group of jeering co-workers, ask yourself, "Might I have feelings of being exposed or berated at work?" Then take steps to feel more protected in that environment. Or if, in a dream, you're wandering aimlessly, consider, "Where am I lost in my life, and how can I find my way?" Also, it's crucial to honor the messages of encouragement that dreams send. Emotional freedom comes from removing blocks as well as acknowledging your own clarity and power.

As a physician in practice for over twenty years, I know that your beliefs set the tone for health and healing. Positive attitudes accentuate wellness, negative attitudes impair it. Our beliefs trigger biochemical responses. No organ system is apart from our thoughts. Beliefs set a tone for certain health realities to occur. In “Positive Energy” I discuss 5 tips for keeping a positive attitude.

The first is, try to focus on what’s good in the ‘Now” rather than catastrophizing about what danger lurks in the future. Negative fear based thoughts increase the stress hormones in your body, and stop the blissful flow of endorphins, our brain’s natural pain reducing neurochemicals.’

The second is to take a few minutes to meditate each day on a positive image: a waterfall, sunset, the night sky, a child’s face. This calms your physiological system and allows you to take a mini break from the stressors of the day.

The third, is to practice positive self-talk. This is a form of affirmation that will neutralize the tendency to focus on what is negative. For instance, if you are tired tell yourself, “Honey, it’s okay to take a rest” instead of beating yourself up over not being a super person who goes nonstop. Or “you’ve done a great job” when you know you’ve done your best in a work situation or in the process of healing from an illness. This emphasis on what you’ve done well will help keep your body calm and healthy.

The fourth is to be grateful for what is working in your life rather than obsessing on what has gone wrong—always focus on the love you have and know the enormous value of this.

The fifth tip is to practice anonymous acts of service whenever you are feeling unhappy or in a bad mood. Reaching out to help others in a small way—for instance, helping someone across the street, letting someone in front of you in traffic, being emotionally supportive of a friend—serves to open your heart and generate positive energy so you feel better and so does someone else.

Having a positive attitude is something that you practice over time. The more you get in the habit of doing it, the more successful you will be. A positive attitude is something you develop over time. It doesn’t mean being Pollyannaish or saccharine. It is being able to find the best in things, and in yourself. We may not be able to control all the events of our lives, but we can control our attitude.