Dr Judith Orloff's Blog

Surrender to the Miracle of Love

Judith Orloff - Tuesday, April 08, 2014

(Excerpt from Dr. Judith Orloff's national bestseller The Power of Surrender: Let Go and Energize Your Relationships, Success, and Well-Being)

In my book, The Power of Surrender I define a soul mate as a fated romantic relationship with someone to whom you feel a special affinity. You fall in love with and support each other’s souls as well as their bodies. The relationship is never denigrating, abusive, or based on narcissism or control. When you meet, something in you awakens, even rejoices. You can finally breathe. The wait is over--you’re home again.

However, contrary to what you may think, a soul mate isn’t necessarily some ideal person who will make your life perfect or cure your loneliness. Nor do you have to always like each other or agree. But he or she will help you evolve. You’ll learn from one another. There is no deadline for a soul mate. One can arrive when you’re twenty or eighty, whenever the time is right. Sexual attraction is part of the bond though this may vary in different phases of life. Some of these relationships are incredibly smooth, whereas most have more challenges. However, with soul mates, two are stronger than one. You make each other better.

What should you look for in a soul mate? How can you know you’ve met yours? To avoid missing out on these relationships, you must let go of unrealistic expectations. Here’s a summary of some fundamental qualities that define what a soul mate is and isn’t. Though the intensity of these may vary in different phases of your lives, they form the basis of your bond.

How to Identify Your Soul Mate

What a soul mate relationship is:

  • You feel a strong connection, comfort, and sense of familiarity
  • There’s a physical attraction
  • You share mutual love, commitment, and support
  • You “get” each other; you’re each other’s biggest fans
  • You are emotional mirrors and teachers for each other
  • You’re in synch, even telepathic
  • You’re willing to work through conflicts, compromise, and surrender unhealthy patterns to improve the relationship
  • What a soul mate relationship isn’t:

  • All about you (or all about your partner)
  • Lukewarm, boring, or noncommittal
  • Forced or merely a “good idea”
  • Based on abuse, control, or rigidity
  • Only physical attraction or the sense of “lightning striking”
  • The “answer to all your problems” or always conflict-free
  • Based on “settling,” being together for convenience, or out of a fear of being alone, breaking up, or change
  • Whether a soul mate lasts forever, these relationships are transformative and provide a goldmine of lessons. They bring you face-to-face with aspects of your masculine and feminine sides that you desire to integrate. Marriage, which is a civil agreement, doesn’t require that you be with a soul mate. So, if it happens that your spouse isn’t one, or if you always stay single, there are still numerous benefits and much love that is possible. I’m not saying it’s necessarily better or worse to find a soul mate. The level of connection is just different. One thing I am sure of: each of our paths is uniquely perfect. Life presents us with what we need to grow. In this sense, a soul mate may not be appropriate or essential for everyone, as much as the heart may long for one.

    Moreover, you can’t force one to arrive or demand that the universe deliver one. I guarantee: that won’t work. This is where surrender is key. It’s a fine balance. You must clarify what qualities you desire in someone, then surrender expectations. Paradoxically, the “letting go” part is what most increases the likelihood of results. Being too hungry or fixated on finding a mate can backfire by acting as a death grip that stifles flow. To manifest a goal, you must always hold it lightly so you don’t inadvertently sabotage yourself by clamping down.

    There are clear ways to hone your intuitive focus to make it more possible for your soul mate to materialize. Here is an exercise to do from The Ecstasy of Surrender.

    Invite Your Soul Mate In
    Surrender into action by setting the stage for a soul mate, then notice the signs that he or she has arrived.

    1. Make a wish list
    Spend some quiet time picturing the qualities you most desire in a mate. Ask yourself: What would truly be good for me? What do I need? Intelligence? Kindness? Support? Chemistry? Wants children? Good communication skills? Is he or she spiritually connected? Also make a list of traits that are unacceptable to you such as being self-absorbed or rigid. Everyone’s needs are different.

    2. Release Expectations
    Think of your list as a letter to spirit. You’ve put in your soul mate requests. No need to keep re-sending the letter. Now, let the list go. Hold your desires lightly in your heart but don’t push. Have faith that you’ve been heard.

    3. Listen to Intuition
    Pay attention to intuitive signs that you’ve met someone of interest, even if he or she isn’t “your type.” These are: A sudden wave of chills, a gut feeling of attraction, or a flash of insight that this person may be right for you. Also stay aware of intuitions such as a sick feeling in your gut or a sense of distrust that warns, “Danger. Bad news. Stay away.” These will protect you from unhealthy relationships.

    4. Be aware of synchronicities and déjà vu
    Synchronicities are moments of perfect timing when paths effortlessly interconnect. You sit next to someone in a movie who turns out to be your soul mate. Or, out of the blue, you have a chance to go to Paris where you meet The One. Also, notice when you have a sense of déjà vu--as if you’ve known each other before. If this occurs with a stranger, say in the market, act on the situation by smiling and making eye contact. Then strike up a conversation such as asking for directions.


    Judith Orloff, MD is author of The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, upon which her articles are based. Dr. Orloff is a psychiatrist, an empath, and is on the UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty. She synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy, and spirituality. Dr. Orloff also specializes in treating empaths and highly sensitive people in her private practice. Dr. Orloff’s work has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, the Oprah Magazine and USA Today. She is a New York Times best-selling author of Emotional Freedom, The Power of Surrender, Second Sight, Positive Energy, and Guide to Intuitive Healing. Connect with Judith on  Facebook and  Twitter. To learn more about empaths and her free empath support newsletter as well as Dr. Orloff's books and workshop schedule, visit her website.

    Joanne M. Scherff commented on 08-Apr-2014 06:45 PM
    Wow! What an interesting excerpt of your new book. I am looking forward on reading,& just inquired at the free library of Philadelphia.

    I can relate to these views on life. And, I am a work-in-progress" on surrendering!

    Thank you for such an inspiring book,

    Michael Lighten commented on 24-Apr-2014 12:55 AM
    I listened to your program and there was a time I was afraid to go to sleep, because I was being tormented in the astral plane. God set me free and now my sleep is peaceful and I await the time when my time is up, when I can return to the Divine.
    Christina commented on 24-Apr-2014 03:44 PM
    Dr. Orloff, It's so wonderful to make my way back to your wisdom by way of your blog after reading the news of your upcoming talk this Sunday at CSL in Seattle. I look forward to seeing you at CSL this weekend. I still have my signed copy of Second Sight from the workshop I attended in 1998 in Oregon. Bless you. Christina
    colleen commented on 17-May-2014 01:22 PM
    Finally an answer thank you , Thank you, THANK YOU
    Kimberly Cutting commented on 22-May-2014 10:32 PM
    I like your description:
    "You feel a strong connection, comfort, and sense of familiarity
    There’s a physical attraction
    You share mutual love, commitment, and support
    You “get” each other; you’re each other’s biggest fans
    You are emotional mirrors and teachers for each other
    You’re in synch, even telepathic
    You’re willing to work through conflicts, compromise, and surrender unhealthy patterns to improve the relationship." It just so perfectly fits the relationship I have with my fiance. He is all those things with me & I am all those things with him, and I knew it the moment our eyes met, my intuition just told me he's the one and our energy instantly synched us together telepathically!
    Njemanze Chinyere commented on 18-Jan-2015 12:35 PM
    I love this. Dr, your book has giving me more insight about relationship.
    How to call in my soul mate.
    How do I get this book.

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