Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s NY Times bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)
In my medical practice, I’ve developed enormous respect for the art of relationships, what makes them work or fail. In all successful relationships, whether with family, friends, or co-workers it’s vital that each person honestly examine his or her behavior and be willing to discuss it and change.
In this spirit, I find it useful to regularly assess how we’re relating to others--specifically if our behavior may be draining. In my book “Emotional Freedom” I discuss different types of draining people you may encounter who I call “emotional vampires.” These include, for instance, the chronic talker, the narcissist, and the drama queen. (See my blog, “Who's the Emotional Vampire in Your Life?”) But inevitably, we’ve all got a bit of vampire in us, especially when we’re stressed. So, give yourself a break. It’s admirable to admit, “I think I’m draining my spouse. What can I do?” You can’t begin to make changes in your life without this type of honesty. The solution is to own up to where you may be draining--then change the behavior. As a psychiatrist, I believe it’s those with real power who can step up first to surrender their ego, admit shortcomings, all in service of loving communication.
For instance, one of my patients, in computer graphics, kept hammering his wife with a poor-me attitude about how he always got stuck with boring projects at work. Instead of trying to improve the situation, he just kvetched. She started dreading those conversations, and diplomatically mentioned it to him. This motivated my patient to address the issue with his supervisor, which got him more stimulating assignments. Similarly, whenever I slip into vampire mode, I try to examine and alter my behavior or else discuss the particulars with a friend or a therapist so I can change. Don’t hesitate to seek assistance when you’re stumped.
To find out if you’re behavior is draining take the Am I an Emotional Vampire Quiz (from Emotional Freedom )
Listed below are some common indications that you’re becoming an emotional vampire. Mark “Yes” or “No” for each of the questions and give yourself one point for every “Yes” response.
Results of the Quiz:
Give each “yes” response one point and count up your score.
Your Score: 0
Congratulations! There are no signs that you are being an emotional vampire.
Your Score: 1
This behavior could be draining others. Start being mindful of when you do this and begin to shift the behavior. Then see if people are relieved.
Your Score: 2
These are warning signs that you may becoming emotionally draining to others. Ask yourself what is motivating you to engage is these draining behaviors and move forward to make positive changes.
Your Score: 3
You are showing some emotional vampire tendencies. It is time to compassionately examine your behaviors and begin to make a change. Do not beat yourself up. Be proud that you can be emotionally honest and want to be more positive.
Your Score: 4
You are showing moderate emotional vampire tendencies. Take a breath. Begin to tackle each behavior individually over time and take baby steps to change. For instance, if you tend to be self-obsessed you can begin to ask others about themselves. Celebrate every change you make to be supportive.
Your Score: 5
You are showing moderate-strong emotional vampire behaviors. You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior--such as nagging or being critical. Then you can begin to be mindful of when you fall into it and start to change.
Your Score: 6
You are showing strong emotional vampire behaviors. You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior--such as being negative but being unwilling to get help. Seriously consider their suggestions about how to improve your communication. Be compassionate with yourself all along the way.
Your Score: 7
You are showing strong to extremely strong emotional vampire behaviors. Be kind to yourself and set out to make small changes to improve one behavior at a time.
Your Score: 8
You have extremely strong emotional vampire behaviors that can be draining others in your life. Commend yourself for your honesty, but begin to understand what motivates you. Is it fear? Feeling less-than? Anger? Don't hesitate to ask for help--from friends who can offer honest feedback or a therapist. People around you will appreciate the positive changes you make.
The remedy for these draining behaviors is to start shifting your attitude. Journaling about this can help. Ask yourself, “Is there a particular trigger that creates the situation? If so, then how can you avoid the trigger? How can you become aware of when you fall into this attitude? Are there people you respect who could help you?” Now write out an action plan to shift these attitudes. Remember to be kind to yourself and begin with small changes – baby steps. Taking action can help solve the problem quickly as opposed to many emotional vampires who stay stuck in patterns for years. I promise: your relatives, friends, and coworkers will appreciate your efforts and your relationships will dramatically improve!
Click on link to watch video on How to Spot Energy Vampires
Comments (21)
Judith Orloff M.D. is a psychiatrist and author of Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life. Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Second Sight, and Guide to Intuitive Healing. Dr. Orloff combines traditional medicine with intuition, spirituality, and energy medicine. More information at www.drjudithorloff.com.
Comments
- toward empowered solution. Had to click on this reminder today as a way to nudge people back to their greatness intention - building relatiionship and increasing transformational awareness. Thanks!
you were with her, she is a tarantula." More a praying mantis in retrospect. In the following year or so two books on sexual/emotional vampirism by Psychotherapists were published, which validated my observations in detail. I think it is important to distinguish
this from neediness, however severe, which may overlap. True emotional vampirism is a way of being, an addiction to feeding on others energy as a way of life. Working with some street level individuals I have encountered other parasites, such as ticks and
leeches. Again as a way of being and way of life, not a temporary aberration. Best, hypnohotshot.
the drama garbage things might be different. I find this drama to be worthless and I am intolerate of pettiness. Is it the age of the women, all the worthless baggage they carry around? I suppose I'm a bit set in my ways and I am aware of that but can change.
Is there anything out there but drama queens?
losing oneself in life is freedom. I write a lot and in those periods I do lose myself. I'm always looking for the next therapy that may work. Dear God, help me get healthy and let me relax more in the moment more, Amen.
As someone who has spent a lifetime growing out of narcissism and parentage by two people with similar challenges, I try to recall this saying whenever I encounter an emotional vampire so I can look at both sides and react lovingly. Sometimes it works and
sometimes not. I've got along way to go.........
as lessons that we learn from ...then you learn exactly what it is you don't want if you are involved with an emotionally draining, self aggrandizing drama queen; and hopefully we learn something better about ourselves so that we can change whatever behaviors,
or other elements in our lives that draw these types of persons into our lives...My suggestion having been through it myself is first true forgiveness for that person and what they may have put you through, and secondly being able to let it go and move foward...there
is some truth to the star wars cliche fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the darkside....by remaining preoccupied with all the negative 'vibes' and emotional baggage from a painful and/or destructive relationship we invariably draw to
us that which we seek to avoid, or become the very thing we fear...by moving on and staying positive you're saying thanks for that lesson it sucked but i've learned from it im going on to better and more positive things in my life, and that it/you have no
control over me anymore....I really believe that which we put out(thought patterns, beliefs) is what we draw into our lives...so stay, be, live positive, let the past go and you will meet a nice woman on the positive side that's right for you ...and stop attracting
accolytes of the dark side..
would identify the phenomena. I suppose one goes along with the spiritual expanation and thinks of it as a defect of the soul. What I realise now is that it is more of a systemic 'disorder' of the body/mind/spirit. Being bipolar and highly intelligent I always
assumed that it was kind of natural prejudice against my illness and the intellectual demands I placed on people which alienated them from me. I now realise how taxing my company can actually be as a consequence of my refusal to deal with certain emotional
issues! Thanks Dr. judith!
:) Much Love, Karen
these people think so little of themselves deep within that they have to "grandize" everything - and I do mean everything (mostly negative things). I will no longer tolerate or be victim of such a person. I can be kind, but do not have to put up with their
stuff. They suck any positive air out of the room. I wouldn't want to be in their skin and I have learned, as well, any tendencies of my own weakness for vampire behavior. Thank you for this article!
hole and I am looking down from the edge and I do not want to go there. It gets to point where I do not have the mental or emotional stability to follow her there without me losing my mind. She needs more that I can offer.
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