Dr Judith Orloff's Blog

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s NY Times bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

To pin down your style of how you relate emotionally, it’s important to know your emotional type. This is the filter through which you see the world, the default setting of your personality that you revert to, especially during stress. It represents your basic tendencies. You can build on these by making the most of your best traits and adopting traits from the other types that appeal to you.

In my book, “Emotional Freedom” I discuss four main emotional types that I’ve observed in my psychiatric practice. See which one you identify with the most, though you may also identify with aspects of the others. Knowing your type can provide insight into how you interact with others and also will help you master your emotions instead of simply reacting when your buttons get pushed. Dealing with emotions effectively isn’t stuffing them away or feeling them less. It’s about establishing balance, strengthening those areas where you’re most vulnerable and maximizing your assets.
 
Which Emotional Type Are You?
 
Type #1. The Intellectual: Intense Thinker
Intellectuals are bright articulate, incisive analysts who are most comfortable in the mind. The world is powerfully filtered through rational thought. Known for keeping their cool in heated situations, they often struggle with emotions, don’t trust their guts, are slow to engage in anything light-hearted, sensual, or playful.

Are you an intellectual?
Do you believe that you can think your way to any solution? When presented with a problem, do you immediately start analyzing the pros and cons rather than noticing how it makes you feel? Do you prefer planning to being spontaneous? Does your overactive mind prevent you from falling asleep?
 
If so, try this:
* Breathe. If you’re mentally gridlocked simply inhale and exhale deeply, in through your nose out through your mouth.
* Exercise. Whether you’re walking, rollerblading, or lifting weights, exercise creates an acute body awareness that relaxes a busy mind.
* Empathize. Ask yourself, “How can I respond from my heart, not just my head.” Empathize before trying to fix a problem with loved ones too quickly.

Type #2. The Empath: Emotional Sponge
Empaths are highly sensitive, loving, and supportive. They are finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions and tend to feel everything, sometimes to an extreme.

Are you an empath?
Have you been called “too emotional” or “overly sensitive”? If a friend is upset do you start feeling it too? Do you replenish your energy by being alone and tend to get exhausted in crowds? Are you sensitive to noise, smells, and excessive talking?

If so, try this:
* Take calming mini-breaks throughout the day. Go outside for a walk, meditate in your room alone. Focus on exhaling pent up emotions such as anxiety or fear so they don’t lodge in your body.
* Protect your sensitivities. Make a list of your top five most emotionally rattling situations, then formulate a plan for handling them so you don’t get caught in a panic. For instance, take your own car places so you don’t get trapped in social situations. (For more strategies see my previous blog “Are You an Empath?”)
 
Type #3. The Rock: Strong and Silent Type
Consistent, dependable, and stable they will always show up for you. You can express emotions freely around them—they won’t get upset or judge. But they often have a hard time expressing their own feelings, and their mates are always trying to get them to express emotions.
 
Are you a rock?
Is it easier for you to listen than to share your feelings? Do you often feel like you are the most dependable person in the room? Are you generally satisfied with the status quo in relationships (though others try to draw you out emotionally)?

If so, try this:
* Stir things up. Begin to initiate emotional exchanges instead of simply responding to them. Remember that showing emotions is a form of passion and generosity too.
* Express a feeling a day. In a daily journal, write down an emotion you’re experiencing. Don’t hold back. Are you pissed off? Content? In love? Whatever you feel, bravo! Tell someone. Express the emotion.

Type #4. The Gusher:  Attuned to Emotions
Gushers are in touch with their emotions and love to share them. No one has to wonder where they’re at. Gushers are able to quickly process negativity and move on. Their downside is that they tend to share “too much information” and over-sharing can burn people out.

Are you a gusher?
Do you get anxious if you keep your feelings in? When a problem arises is your first impulse to pick up the phone and share? Do you have trouble sensing other people’s emotional boundaries?

If so, try this:
* Before seeking support, tune into your intuition. Spend a few quiet moments going inward to find out what your gut says. Try to solve the situation from a calm centered place. See what flashes or “ah-has” come to you. Take time to build your own emotional muscles.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. If this is good, you’ll be able to have wonderful relationships with others. Knowing your emotional type provides a platform to emotionally evolve and to become a truly powerful person.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s NY Times bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Our world is in the midst of an emotional meltdown. People are restless, volatile, our tempers about to blow. There was a Newsweek cover story, “Rage Goes Viral” describing how from Tunisia to Egypt a wave of rage is rocking the Arab world to create revolutions. Rage is also prevalent in our everyday lives: There’s road rage, office rage, supermarket rage, and even surfer’s rage. Why is rage so rampant? What is the solution?

In my book, “Emotional Freedom” I explore the differences between good and bad anger. Anger can be a healthy reaction to injustice such as cultures fighting to free themselves from repressive regimes. Anger rallies people. It creates energy and motivation to rebel against dysfunctional political or social systems. It also motivates groups to go on strike say, for higher, well-deserved wages or to defend human rights. On a personal level, anger can be good if it’s expressed in a focused, healthy way rather than using it to punish or harm others. 

Your Body’s Reaction To Anger

As a psychiatrist, I know that anger is intensely, primally physical. Let’s say a colleague double-crosses you in a business deal. You feel angry. Your amygdala stimulates adrenaline. You get an energy rush that rallies you to fight. Blood flows to your hands, making it easier to grasp a weapon. Your heart pumps faster. You breathe harder. Pupils dilate. You sweat. In this hyperadrenalized state, aggression mounts. You may raise your voice, point accusingly, stare him down, grimace, flail your arms around, verbally intimidate, barge into his personal space. Taken to an extreme, you could literally be driven to knock him out or beat him up. In a pure survival-oriented sense, you want to dominate and retaliate to protect yourself and prevent further exploitation. Anger is one of the hardest impulses to control because of its evolutionary value in defending against danger.

What factors make us susceptible to anger? One is an accumulation of built-up stresses. That’s why your temper can flare more easily after a frustrating day. The second is letting anger and resentments smolder. When anger becomes chronic, cortisol, the stress hormone, contributes to its slow burn. Remaining in this condition makes you edgy, quick to snap. Research has proven that anger feeds on itself. The effect is cumulative: each angry episode builds on the hormonal momentum of the time before. For example, even the most devoted, loving mothers may be horrified to find themselves screaming at their kids if they haven’t learned to constructively diffuse a backlog of irritations. Therefore, the powerful lesson our biology teaches us is the necessity of breaking the hostility cycle early on, and that brooding on the past is hazardous to your well-being.

 For optimal health, you must address your anger. But the point isn’t to keep blowing up when you’re upset rather--it’s to develop strategies to express anger that are body-friendly. Otherwise, you’ll be set up for illnesses such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, or chronic pain, which can be exacerbated by tension. Or you’ll keep jacking up your blood pressure and constricting your blood vessels, which compromises flow to the heart. A  Johns Hopkins study reports that young men who habitually react to stress with anger are more likely than their calmer counterparts to have an early heart attack, even without a family history of heart disease. Further, other studies have shown that hostile couples who hurl insults and roll their eyes when arguing physically heal more slowly than less antagonistic partners who have a “we’re in this together” attitude.

Still, repressing anger isn’t the answer either. Research also reveals that those who keep silent during marital disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease or suffering stress-related ailments than those who speak their minds.
Here are some strategies from “Emotional Freedom” to productively cope with anger in daily life.

4 Tips To Diffuse Anger

1. When you’re upset, pause, and slowly count to ten.
To offset the adrenaline surge of anger, train yourself not to lash back impulsively. Wait before you speak. Take a few deep breaths and VERY slowly, silently, count to ten (or to fifty if necessary). Use the lull of these moments to regroup before you decide what to do so you don’t say something you regret

2. Take a cooling-off period.
To further quiet your neurotransmitters, take an extended time-out, hours or even longer. When you’re steaming retreat to a calm setting to lower your stress level. Reduce external stimulation. Dim the lights. Listen to soothing music. Meditate. Do some aerobic exercise or yoga to expel anger from your system.

3. Don’t address anger when you’re rushed.
 Make sure you have adequate time to identify what’s made you angry. A Princeton study found that even after theology students heard a lecture on the Good Samaritan, they still didn’t stop to help a distressed person on the street when they thought they’d be late for their next class. Thus, allotting unhurried time to resolve the conflict lets you tap into your most compassionate response.  

4. Don’t try to address your anger when you’re tired or before sleep.
Since anger revs up your system, it can interfere with restful sleep and cause insomnia. The mind grinds. Better to examine your anger earlier in the day so your adrenaline can simmer down. Also being well rested makes you less prone to reacting with irritation, allows you to stay balanced.  

The goal with anger is to own the moment so this emotion doesn’t own you. Then you can mindfully respond rather than simply react. You’ll have the lucidity to be solution oriented and therefore empower how you relate to others.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s New York Times Bestseller, “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

People we love can sometimes drain us the most. Our mates may not be trying to do this, but life's demands add up. For instance, at the end of a long day, he or she might come home in a negative mood or is needy and overbearing. Sometimes the draining behavior may go beyond this, when they become argumentative or hurtful. As a psychiatrist, I help my patients address these behaviors with their mates in a tactful, loving way to find positive solutions. Learning this skill is a wonderful way to keep your love alive and healthy.

In my book, "Emotional Freedom," I present different types of emotional vampires and how to combat them. An emotional vampire is someone who drains your energy. How do you know if you're in love with one? The tip-off is that you often get tired around your mate and feel like taking a nap. Also, after an encounter, you feel sapped and they look more alive. In my previous blog, "Who's the Emotional Vampire in Your Life?" I describe more general types. Here I will describe the common types in romantic relationships. Energy drain can be a touchy subject to bring up with your partner. However, it is essential to sensitively discuss the draining behavior, so you're not in a romantic relationship that is exhausting you.

Signs during or after an interaction that your mate may be draining you:

• Your eyelids are heavy -- you're ready for a nap
• You feel unappreciated or put down
• You glaze over when they're talking
• You walk on eggshells around certain topics
• You run to the refrigerator to stuff yourself

Here are some common types of emotional vampires in the romantic arena and how to deal with them clearly and effectively:

Vampire No. 1: The Nagger

These drainers become broken records and won't let up with their requests until you act on them. Their comments include the following: "Did you call your mother yet?"; "Did you get to the gym?"; "When are you starting on your diet?" They'll annoy you with scolding, nitpicking or repetitive demands. They can be so persistent that you feel pressured and drained.

How To Protect Yourself: Set clear limits with your mate in a kind, but firm tone. For instance, say, "Sweetheart, I love you, but you are pressuring me too much. Please back off a little." Naggers often need to be gently re-trained. You may need to practice limit setting for a while to change this pattern.

Vampire No. 2: The Victim/Complainer

These types grate on you with their "poor me" attitude. The world is always against them, and this is the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems, they always say, "Yes, but..." You might end up dreading having the same conversations over and over again with your mate. You want to help, but his or her tales of woe overwhelm you.

How to Protect Yourself: You can sympathize and listen briefly. Then tell your partner, "I can see you are upset, but I don't think it's constructive to keep rehashing the same issues. Let's concentrate on solutions." This approach allows you to be loving and to actively refocus the situation in a positive way.

Vampire No. 3: The Criticizer

These types have a sneaky way of making you feel guilty or lacking for not getting things just right. They can find fault with everything, and spot a flaw across a crowded room, then suggest how to improve yourself "for your own good." These can be minor critiques or comments that seriously hurt your feelings.

How to Protect Yourself: Try addressing the criticism positively, in a calm, neutral tone. Say, "I can see that you're trying to help, but when you're critical it's harder for me to hear you." Or, you might want to strike a compromise. For instance, if your mate criticizes you for leaving the dishes in the sink, you can divide the task up between the two of you. Do this with a very loving tone and attitude -- I call it setting off a "love bomb," where you diffuse negativity with sweetness while offering solutions to correct the situation.

Vampire No. 4: The Self-Obsessed Drainer

With these types, everything becomes about them, and they hardly listen to your needs. They may downplay your feelings and interests, as they steer the conversation back to them. (For extreme cases, see the description of "The Narcissist" in my previous blog).

How To Protect Yourself: Everyone goes through self-obsessed periods, but it's important to bring this to your mate's attention so he or she can shift out of it quickly. You can say, "Honey, I adore listening to you, but it would make me feel loved if you also spend time listening to me, too." Most people are unaware that they are becoming self-obsessed; but when you gently mention it, change can occur. Vampire No. 5: The Unintentional Sapper

The people closest to you often can be the most draining. There is so much to take care of everyday that your mate can add to your sense of being overwhelmed. For instance, he or she comes home after having lost a big account at work and needs to vent frustration. You want to listen and be caring, but you're tired, too.

How to Protect Yourself: Plan regular mini-breaks from your partner (and children). Even a brief escape can replenish you. Take a short walk, meditate in your bedroom for a few minutes, listen to music you love. Or, if your mate has a harrowing commute home from work which makes him or her be cranky with you, let them take 10 minutes at home to decompress before you interact. You must negotiate your personal space with loved ones.

In relationships, it's important for couples to respect each other's energy needs. With your partner, it's healthy to protect your energy, too. Don't feel guilty or restrained about using my techniques. Honoring your energy isn't selfish. It will increase your patience and capacity to love.