Dr Judith Orloff's Blog

"If I stayed angry at other people, I would miss finding friends among those I was angry with." --Rosa Parks, from an interview in "Positive Energy"

As a psychiatrist, I feel strongly that letting go of resentments, a point I emphasize in my recent book "Emotional Freedom," is essential to free yourself from negativity. The main person the resentment hurts is you.

A resentment is a grudge that you harbor after you've felt mistreated. It's easy to hold on to all the incidents that angered you, from a gossiping hairdresser to a two-timing ex-husband. And, if you took a poll, you'd probably get a lot of people on your side about your right to stay resentful. According to such logic, as time passes, you have "the right" to get angrier, becoming a broken record of complaints. But is that the sour person you want to be? Instead, for emotional freedom, try to release resentments and let compassion purify them. One friend, in the midst of that process, likened uncovering resentments to "dragging dead bodies out of a well." You don't want moldering negativity rotting your psyche.

Forgiveness is a state of grace, nothing you can force or pretend. I guide patients toward the large-heartedness to forgive both injuries others have caused and those they've self-inflicted. Forgiveness penetrates the impenetrable -- the obstinacy that stifles love, the tenacious pain that dams our energy reserves. A Stanford research study showed that forgiveness significantly decreases stress, rage and psychosomatic symptoms. I'm not saying that betrayal is ever justified, that you aren't entitled to be upset if someone wrongs you, or that you shouldn't try to improve or else leave a destructive situation. Forgiveness, though, ensures that resentments don't feed on your energy. Finally, remember forgiveness refers to the actor, not the act -- not the offense but the woundedness of the offender.

Strategies to Let Resentments Go

1. Set Your Intention to Release the Resentment

he purpose of releasing resentments is to increase your energy and to feel better. Select a target: a critical mother, a controlling boyfriend, a cutthroat colleague. Perhaps you've tried to discuss the grievance with no results. (Always attempt to work things out if the person is the slightest bit receptive.) Or your target may truly be unapproachable. In either case, away from the person, air your resentments without sugarcoating them. Do this in a journal, or with a therapist or friend. For example, say, "I despise the double-crossing conniver because..." Frankly, expressing your feelings is necessary to forgive.

2. Cultivate Forgiveness

In a quiet moment, really reach to find compassion for the person's shortcomings, not the deed itself. This may be very hard work. What insecurities or fears motivated him or her? Why is the person's heart so closed? What caused his or her moral blindness? Try to discern the context of the person's actions. At this point, you may be inwardly able to ask yourself to start to forgive. Perhaps you're not there yet -- that's okay. The request itself sets off a stream of compassion, a cleansing of your system. Repeat the exercise once a day for at least a week. See if your energy improves. I'll bet you'll feel a burden lift.

3. Take a Reality Check

As part of forgiveness, take this reality check: People bring a lifetime of wounds to your relationship, which may make their behavior more about them than you. You might justifiably say, as one of my patients did, "I'm hurt and furious my spouse left me and refused to even talk about it. Isn't it reasonable to want that?" Naturally it is. But your need doesn't take into consideration your spouse's terror of intimacy, or that he or she would do anything to escape it in your relationship or any other. Unfortunately, your spouse's fears and inadequacies won out over your needs. To find forgiveness while endeavoring to heal anger, you must evaluate whom you're dealing with, the good and the bad. Often, people are just doing the best they can, which may not amount to a hill of beans where you're concerned, but it does represent the sad truth of the situation. Accepting that truth of someone's limitations will help you to forgive.

Compassion opens a hidden door to a secret world that exists beyond anger. Notwithstanding, the feelings of anger or forgiveness aren't mutually exclusive. You can simultaneously experience varying degrees of both. Perhaps, at first, you're a little forgiving and very angry. But when you progress, the scales increasingly tip toward forgiveness as your attachment to anger recedes.

As a psychiatrist I know that there is more to overeating and obesity than meets the eye. Genetics play a role, as do hormonal and psychological triggers. However, one big reason that many diets fail is that traditional weight-loss programs don't factor in how we process energy.

Sensitive people, whom I call emotional empaths in my book "Emotional Freedom," unknowingly overeat in response to being overwhelmed by stress, anxiety or negativity. Empaths are extremely sensitive and become an emotional sponge for the stress of the world -- they absorb it into their bodies. If this is you, the following information will be helpful. (To find out if you are an empath, take the "empath quiz" in my companion blog, "Are You An Emotional Empath?")

Here's the energetic theory of obesity: When empaths are thin, they have less padding, are more vulnerable to absorbing stress. Early-twentieth-century faith healers were renowned for being grossly obese to avoid taking on their patients' symptoms, a common trap I've seen modern healing practitioners also unconsciously fall into; food is a grounding device. Similarly, many of my patients gain weight to protect against stress at home or at work. Energy is at the root of an empath's hunger. Try these strategies from my book "Positive Energy" to cope with the energy of stress without abusing food.

Interventions to Halt Energetic Eating

When the impulse to overeat hits:

1. Discern addictive craving from a true need.

Addictive craving, a symptom of nutritional abuse, is a frequent response to energetic overload. Here, you eat certain foods addictively; this leads to obesity. Whenever you keep lusting after sweets and carbs, be suspicious. With cravings, you eat to relieve stress, not to build energy. Try to identify addictive foods and limit them.

With a true nutritional need there's no lusting after food to guard against stress. A true need comes from a centered place, not from self-medicating emotions with comfort foods or obsession. Feeling healthily nurtured from food never involves mood swings -- sedation or elation -- but rather an even feeling of satisfaction. A true need lets you enjoy your meal, optimizes energy and doesn't lead to obesity.

2. Quickly pinpoint energetic triggers of addictive cravings.

Immediately ask yourself: "Was I exposed to stress?" It could have been an obnoxious neighbor or phone messages from your mother. Don't write off the "smaller" incidents, which notoriously send empaths motoring to the refrigerator. Don't panic. Pinpoint cause and effect. Clear it quickly once you've been slimed.

3. Breathe stress out of your system.

Take a five-minute break for damage control. Slowly inhale and exhale. Breath activates your calming endorphins (natural painkillers) and releases stress from the body. Practice this visualization: Just as your lungs take in oxygen and expel toxic carbon dioxide, breathe in peacefulness and clarity, breathe out stress. Breathe in vitality. Breathe out fear. Repeat this exercise until you feel calmer.

4. Try a three-minute meditation.

Another way to calm yourself before you run to the refrigerator is with a three-minute meditation. I recommend keeping a meditation cushion in front of the refrigerator to remind yourself to meditate before opening the door.

5. Set healthy limits and boundaries.

With stressful people, limit the time you spend listening to them, and learn how to say "no." Remember, "no" is a complete sentence.

6. Take a bath or shower.

A speedy way to dissolve stress is to immerse yourself in water. My tub is my refuge after a busy day; it washes away everything from bus exhaust to long hours of air travel to personal unpleasantness.

7. Eat with attunement.

Develop a diet that satisfies your energetic needs. Let energy motivate why you eat; it's more important than taste or dietary dogma. Whatever you put in you mouth that is healthy, run it by your energy meter; see what truly nourishes or depletes. For instance, does chicken give you more energy than fish? Tomatoes more than carrots? You must test out foods in your body. Even foods you've shunned become more attractive when your experience their energy lift.

8. Visualize a protective barrier around yourself.

Research has shown that visualization is a potentially healing mind/body technique.

Food is no place to be passive. The interventions I'm recommending in this blog will allow you to take an active stance in eating healthfully. You don't have to let stress lodge itself in you. To stay on top of your eating, do a daily check-in. Stay alert for cravings prompted by energetic triggers. Watch your responses. I promise, your eating habits will change.