Dr Judith Orloff's Blog

An emotional vampire in the form of a paranoid, obsessive-compulsive narcissist came into my life on 29 December 2008. I am still trying to pull myself out of his gravitational orbit. I am an intuitive counsellor and Shamanic practitioner and cannot believe how deeply entangled our energies have become. What a two-edged sword this is. I made a sacred vow to help create a more compassionate world, yet my compassion for this man (a very old family friend) has got me in this pickle! I have never met anyone who has brought up in me such a desire to run as far away as I can geographically get without leaving the planet. Very torn between my intellect and my intuition at this time. Mostly wondering what it is about my energies that has attracted such a person to me. If narcissists cannot be cured, then what is it within me that is being called to be integrated and resolved? What if a narcissist/energy vampire comes into your orbit; is attracted to you like a moth to a flame and your agreement with them, is to help them awaken instead of evicting out of your life completely? My emerging perpection is that the Narcissist is a combination of all 4 guardian archetypes: child, prostitute, victim and saboteur and if NPD is a personality disorder that is increasingly being 'diagnosed', then it seems to me that those of us who work with Archetypal Energies may have our work cut out for us. Then again, this man could simply be a lesser demon from Hell; in which case I will tell him to kindly go away. Man, it bites being an empath.

Thank your for this posting and video. I so much wish this information had been around 5 years ago when I first got involved with a man who fits this description 4 out of 5 of your points. If people generally knew much more about this, as they are starting to do now, it would save so much grief. It is a long hard road to recover and even detach from an intimate association with such a person once it has begun. They are so beguiling and validating at first, and then so devaluing and dangerous to self esteem.

I came upon this post at a good time. It speaks to the dynamics of an incidental business relationship that has been wearing on me. Thank you, Judith, for your insights.

I am working on leaving a 20 year friendship with a very troubled narcarcist. My compassion enabled her to use & abuse me. No more. As you said they don't change, she only got worse. I had to realize that, and make the break for me. For my mental health. The jealousy was the worst. It never stopped. It just kept growing. Very scary stuff. thank you.

I have been learning more about this term "narcissist" and the character traits of such a person. My daughter's father is such a person and the level of stress in dealing with him in our 'coparenting' (a legal term only) relationship is draining. My daughter is 6 and I recently I realized that I cannot spend 12 more yrs banging my head against the wall, walking on eggshells, convincing him to think of his child's well being before his own 'time/budget' and 'travel schedule'. For 6 yrs, I was very generous to him as parents - taking all/most of the responsibilities of raising our child. And while I was my generous self, things were fine - he would gift me with things, monetary rewards to his lack of attention to our child's need and a 'let-keep-her-distracted-while-I-do-nothing' parenting rewards. Then as my exhaustion level increased, my sanity wavered, my temper rose and my self-esteem crashed I realized that I needed to change things. So I started to heal that inner child that wanted to please everyone at the risk of her own soul (I am a survivor of child sexual abuse) and started to set boundaries and share the responsibilities of raising our child - what a backlash! And while I am holding firm, I am tired and worried that while I am dealing with the anger, frustration and hurt that I feel in my body/mind/soul, I am damaging the relationship with my daughter (who is at the worship daddy stage) and barring the door for my soulmate to come into my life. Are there any advice for parents who have to deal with narcissistic ex's?

I have been researching to try to figure out IF my boyfriend has NPD. Although I MAY be kidding myself, I don't think it has gotten to the point of a "disorder" but I worry that the older he gets, the worse he will get. OR that if I continue to "allow" the selfish behavior, am I the one making it worse? Am I an enabler? I see so many of these articles and videos and I think, ya know, this does sound like him, but he's not ALL of those things. YES, he does not take my feelings into consideration if there is something he wants to do, or if there is someone he wants to spend time with. YES, he does as he pleases, when he pleases, and NO ONE is to question his motives, least of all, ME. However, if I were to do those same things, then I obviously don't care about him. NO ONE is as good as he is, and if someone says I can,...he has a need to "one up" them. One argument he stated that IF I cared for him, he would always have clean windows in his nice large home, which I don't share with him at this time. It seems that if we have a disagreement, he will NEVER take responsibilty or say he is sorry, without some form of justification. Which in turn , makes me feel bad about myself. YES, he tells his friends portions of our disagreements, but of course, only the portions that make me look bad, yet I am SUPPOSED to always put him on a pedastal, no matter how he wronged me, since I am the one at "fault" for everything (in his mind). Am I kidding myself? IS he a narcissist? Or just a typical male? How can you determine the difference from an actual disorder, or the "tendencies"????

thank you for your information. im trying to hold on to it before going under. i fell for a narcissist in the worst way and cant shed this fatal attraction. he is the model for an emotional vampire. i cant believe i am an educated 53 yr old woman that cannot put this monster into perspective. i feel the life being sucked out of me but i am so desperate for that closeness that i cant stay in control. its very scary

Dear HighHope, YES, you are kidding yourself. Your man is a narcissist! It is very difficult to get disentangled from these folks, but the sooner you start the process the sooner you'll be free. Do Not Have Children with these folks, then, as you can read above, you have to stay connected to them for the rest of your life, really. I am divorcing a passive-aggressive narcissist now (started 2 years ago and still have not completed the process... bcz they are incapable of compromise). Plain and simply: RUN AWAY.

I am romantically involved with a passive-agressive narcissist and have fallen in love over the last 3 years. I am just coming to this conclusion of him being NPD after wondering what I could have possibly been doing wrong within the relationship. The other problem is that I am a very strong empath and have always assumed that it was my fault when I was taking on his characteristics, the strongest being his underlying fear and need to control. I am in the process of trying to extract myself and am feeling horribly overwhelmed. I am thankful that I've found your book at just the right time in one of the most difficult times of my life.

Judith Orloff continues to be an inspiration to me and reaches out through her books to touch so many of us in need of her wisdom, intellect and love.I am so grateful to share a place in time with her as she shares her gifts with all of us. I attended her Positive Energy workshop several years back in Big Sur . I learned so much about myself that week. She connected with me at a moment when the lump in my throat was cutting off the blood to my brain. Out of a crowd of several hundred, she zoned right in on me at that moment and said to me "Are you OK?", from that moment I knew this woman was the REAL DEAL. I was "brought" to that seminar. I was "led" to her Positive Energy book, and more recently, I was "led" to her new book, Emotional Freedom. At the times in my life when I have thrown my hands up and say, "I GIVE...", another powerful message comes thru from Judith.... I can see that she does the same for others. She has really touched me.. What an amazing gift.. I was raised in a family with a narcissist. Never really knew the meaning of word til a few years back. But I know the narcissist well. My older brother is one. I fell in love with one... so charming, so good lookin, so smart, you just want to be with them...10 years of my life I invested in a relationship with a narcissist. Being a bit of a pollyanna, I kept holding on to all the good he has, and is, and yes there is a lot of that too, but what bad happened was really bad. I became depressed, sick a lot, withdrawn. My self esteem crashed hard. I was also raising a teenage son, had a stressful job and was in love with a narcissist. 10 years. All the promises of "going to Hawaii together", "someday we will have to do that.." didn't come. He went on his own trips doing what he liked to do, I stayed home working. My days off , I would have loved to explore the coastline with the man I loved, but he was off doing what he needed to do for himself. We have so many common interests, we seemed like the perfect couple.10 years. On my 50th birthday, he took me to a nice dinner with some old friends of mine that never warmed up to him very well. Alcohol was involved, we argued, I stood up for myself in a bold alcohol way and said, "I have had enough of your bullying, it is my birthday, stop the car, I am getting out of here." He didn't stop the car. He wouldn't let me out. He grabbed my hair pulled my head down on the console and beat the side of my face . I Took pictures to prove it. He denied it, I have proof, made copies and mailed to him to see what he did . He didn't believe he did that to me ..He claims he was trying to protect me from falling out of the car, that is what he told the arresting officers... It has been a year and half since this incident with hours and hours of grief, healing, therapy. He feels horrible,lost the woman he loves.Still makes excuses for his behavior that night, turns it back on me ,that I shouldn't have tryed to leave the car. Says he "only slapped me with a back hand"...I remember the truth, I have photos to prove it. I want to let go of this emotional baggage, try to find a way to forgive to lighten my heart and move on in my life without resentment, without anger...so hard to do. I pray , I meditate, I take long walks on the beach...somehow, I cannot find that peace of mind, only see glimmers in the distance He wants forgiveness and has hopes we will be able to reconcile, he loves me with as much heart as he is able to give. I picked up the book, Emotional Freedom this a.m. it was speaking to me from my bookshelf.. I went on this site and saw the video of Judith speaking about narcissists... THEY DONT CHANGE! Thank You Judith. Not another 10 years. Thank you!

Anita, just get away from him. Please. There is nothing you can do. In fact, your empathy is actually going to make it worse for you. It is a common MISCONCEPTION that narcissists have no empathy or feelings. They do have them but only for themselves. If you have real empathy, the narcissist will play you like a fiddle and drain your spirit away. The Buddha was once asked if he taught everyone equally. The Buddha replied "Does the farmer cast his seed on fertile soil or bare rock?" For your own sake, please stop casting your seed on bare rock. Nothing will grow there. From my experience with 2 malignant narcissist parents, the only cure for the victim of the narcissist is NO CONTACT. Get away from this creep.

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I just found out about you in this month's Daily Word & read your story. I went to your website & viewed a couple of your videos. I think you are so special & I'm so lucky to have come across you. I just had to forward your site to my partner & also to my daughter (who is a psychologist). All 3 of us are going through things & your reads are so helpful & enlightening. Thank you for coming into our lives, from so far away.

I recently lost my daughter to an advanced form of Lymphoma. She was 28 years old and had just delivered a son who is now 14 months old. When she was diagnosed, she was Stage IV and it attacked her heart. She nearly transitioned several times during the process of this illness only to pass 10 months after diagnosis. I was amazed with all the medical staff, that noone, other than myself, spoke to her of what it would be like if the choice was for her not to continue here in this life with us on Earth. There was no conversation of the two paths she was facing. Every word, every action was spoken of what path she would follow medically to sustain her life here. Every now and then, I would let her know that if it were to be that she would pass, she would be in a Love far beyond any words I could ever explain to her. The only analogy I could give her was that she knew the Love I had for her that Love was like 1 grain of sand compared to God's Love which is all the grains of sand in all Earth's beaches and Dunes. It was her choice to go forth with further treatments, but I wanted her to know that if she were to pass to promise me she would go to that beautiful Loving Light. She did promise me. God gave me an experience, actually a couple of experiences which prepared me for the event of assisting my daughter to transition. Those experiences were what I relied on so I could explain to her how I felt being in that Loving, Accepting, Trusting, ineffable Light. I wanted her to know and realize what she had waiting for her when she passed and I wanted her to run, not walk into that Light waiting for her. I think the most important thing we can do for someone facing the possibility of transition is to at least make an effort to communicate to them the Love which is awaiting their arrival. A Good Friend gifted me with a book and cd after my daughter's passing which I am highly recommending to anyone going through this process with someone they love or they themselves are experiencing. The book's title is "Graceful Passages". The cd has with and without the words. It is one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever been given and I feel all will benefit who listen or read. Blessings, Rene