Dr Judith Orloff's Blog

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s NY Times bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Sensitive men are incredibly attractive. They are path-forgers in the new paradigm of the evolved man. Strong and sensitive. Intuitive and powerful. They’re able to give and receive love without ambivalence, being “unavailable,” or commitment phobia.

In my book Emotional Freedom, I write extensively about the power of empaths and describe strategies for how empaths can stay centered and strong in an overwhelming world. Since I’m an empath and worship sensitivity, I want to help empathic men (and women) cultivate this asset and be more comfortable with it. Empathic men often have a harder time than women because in Western culture sensitivity may be seen as a weakness or too “feminine.” This is a huge misconception. The new evolved man is skillful in balancing both the masculine and feminine in himself, embodying his full power.

Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. This is particularly challenging for men as they are often told by society while growing up, “Big boys don’t cry.” That’s why it’s so important for sensitive men to let go of stereotypes and learn to embrace their gifts. I understand how hurtful the negative messages about being “overly sensitive” can feel—also how easy it is to get overwhelmed by excessive stimuli in the world. I've always been hyper-attuned to other people’s moods, good and bad. Before I learned to protect my energy, I felt them lodge in my body. Crowded places amplified my empathy.

The great beauty of male empaths is that they can feel where you are coming from. Some can do this without taking on people’s feelings. However, for better or worse, others, like myself and many of my patients, can become emotional sponges for other people’s stress. This often overrides the sublime capacity to absorb positive emotions. If empaths are around peace and love, their bodies assimilate these and flourish. Negativity, though, often feels assaultive, exhausting. Thus, empaths are particularly easy marks for emotional vampires, whose fear or rage can ravage them. As a subconscious defense, empathic men may gain weight as a buffer. Plus, an empath’s sensitivity can be overwhelming in romantic relationships; many stay single since they haven’t learned to negotiate their special cohabitation needs with a partner.

A man’s empathy allows him to love more fully and be more committed in a loving relationship. But empathic men must nurture their sensitivities while also grounding themselves in their power and setting boundaries with negative people so they aren’t drained. For more relationship strategies read my blog, “Relationship Tips for Highly Sensitive People.”

Recognizing that you’re an empath is the first step in taking charge of your emotions instead of constantly drowning in them. As one empath to another, I want to legitimize your sensitivity so you don’t think you’re losing your mind. I’d had numerous patients who’ve said, “Judith, I thought there was something wrong with me. I feel like such a sissy.” Not so. Our systems are just more permeable. Also realize that the fact that you’re the only person feeling something doesn’t invalidate your perceptions. To maintain resolve in an emotionally coarse world, empaths must have enough self-knowledge to clearly articulate their needs. Staying on top of empathy will improve your self-care and relationships. Here’s a summary of this emotional type.

Upside of Being an Empathic Man

You’ve got a big heart, are gifted in helping others.

Your sensitivity makes you passionate, a great lover, and exquisitely sensual.

You’re intuitive about people’s thoughts and feelings.

You’re emotionally responsive, can relate to another’s feelings.

You’re in touch with your body and emotions.

You have a palpable sense of spirituality.

Downside of Being an Empathic Man

You’re an emotional sponge, absorbing people’s negativity.

You’re so sensitive to emotions, you feel like a wire without insulation.

You’re prone to anxiety, depression, fatigue.

You may feel hemmed in living in the same space with other people.

You may have chronic, debilitating physical symptoms.

You have difficulty setting boundaries with draining people, get run over by them.

Honestly accessing which traits are productive or not makes you freer. Of course, you want to be emotionally charitable, intuitive, and open, an empath’s assets. However, empathy won’t make you free if you walk around perpetually raw, easily fractured, or have your wildness go out in a whimper because you’re constantly having to emotionally defend yourself. For a male empath to be comfortable in his own skin it’s important to find the right mix of intellect, feeling, and grounding. Here are some exercises from my book, Emotional Freedom to help you achieve this.

Emotional Action Step. How Empathic Men (And Women) Can Find Balance

Practice these strategies:

Enlist your intellect. When you’re emotionally wrung out or suspect you’ve taken on someone’s distress, think things through to counter anxiety. Use both positive self-talk and logic to get grounded. Repeat this mantra: “It is not my job to take on the emotions of others. I can be loving without doing so.”

Allow quiet time to emotionally decompress. Get in the habit of taking calming mini-breaks throughout the day. Breathe in some fresh air. Stretch. Take a short walk around the office. These interludes will reduce the excessive stimulation of going non-stop.

Practice guerilla meditation. To counter emotional overload, act fast and meditate for a few minutes. Find a private place to close your eyes. Lower your expectations--it doesn’t have to be Shangri-La. Do two things while meditating. First, keep exhaling pent-up negative emotions--loneliness, worry, and more. Feel them dissipate with each breath. Second, put your hand over your heart and visualize loving-kindness permeating you from head to toe. These actions will quickly relax you.

Define and honor your empathic needs. Safeguard your sensitivities. In a calm, collected moment, make a list of your top five most emotionally stressful situations. Then formulate a plan for handling them so you don’t fumble in the moment. For example:

If someone asks too much of you, politely tell them “no.” It’s not necessary to explain why. As the saying goes, “No is a complete sentence.”

If your comfort level is three hours max for socializing--even if you adore the people--take your own car or have an alternate transportation plan so you’re not stranded.

If crowds are overwhelming, eat a high-protein meal beforehand (this grounds you) and sit in the far corner of, say, a theatre or party, not dead center.

If you feel nuked by perfume, nicely request that your friends refrain from wearing it around you. If you can’t avoid it, stand near a window or take frequent breaks to catch a breath of fresh air outdoors.

Carve out private space at home. Then you won’t be stricken by the feeling of too much togetherness.

When empathic men can learn the above skills to develop their sensitivities and ward off negativity, they will be more alive, more loving, more creative. Over time, I suggest adding to this list to pinpoint new protective strategies. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel each time you’re on emotional overload. With pragmatic strategies to cope, empaths can feel safer, and their sensitivity talents can flourish.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s NY Times bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Emotions can come at you hard and fast. You must be prepared.

In a flash, negativity can spin you into a tizzy, your center blown to smithereens. Not to worry. In my  book, “Emotional Freedom” I provide readers with strategies for dealing with every angle of emotions--cerebral and intuitive, from earth to heaven.

There are four major components of emotions: their biology, spirituality, energetic power, and psychology. Together, these components create an elegant portrait of your emotional self, revealing breakthroughs about how you operate that will lead to freedom. Here is a summary of these four secrets that I discuss in “Emotional Freedom” to help you combat toxic energies and keep your peace of mind.

Secret 1: Reprogram the Biology of Your Emotions

To know thyself, you must know some basics of your biology. Biology lends piercing insights into our emotions. It is the awesome science of life that defines the laws of how living things relate, both physically and emotionally. All emotions trigger biological reactions that shape your health just as distinctly as what you choose to eat or how you choose to exercise. When you learn to change your emotional reaction to a situation, you change your biological reaction as well.

Emotional stress depletes your body and calm revives it. Finding calm is an emotionally stressed out person’s salvation, a humane time-out from turmoil when you’re centered and at ease. Stress hormones wane, as spasms in your shoulders and gut loosen, heart rate and blood pressure lower, mental frenzy relents. Your body can breathe freely again and gratefully releases its guard to become more open, soft, expansive.

Applying the First Secret: Reprogram the Biology of Your Emotions
Reduce Stress With This Three-Minute Meditation

This simple, stress-busting meditation is an initial action step you can take to forge a winning partnership with your biology. Practicing it, you’ll become increasingly adept at upping endorphins and short-circuiting your flight-or-flight response, biological gifts of meditation.

Secret 2: Uncover the Spiritual Meaning of Your Emotions

As a psychiatrist, I’m in the sacred position of getting to hear what goes on in people’s heads, from soccer moms to movie stars. Despite how externally different we may seem we all have basic emotional commonalities, and often keep getting similarly sabotaged. Everyone wants love, but negativity, our own or another’s, often subverts us. So what is our suffering for? The puzzle can be solved, but it requires a spiritual perspective.

Spirituality, as I’m defining it, is a quest for meaning that goes beyond the linear mind to access a vaster force of compassion to frame everything. Spirituality is freeing because it means opening the heart and doing your darndest to see every nanosecond of existence through this aperture. Always, you must ask, “How can a situation--any situation--help me grow and develop loving-kindness toward myself or others?”

Applying the Second Secret: Uncover the Spiritual Meaning of Your Emotions
A Heart Centering Meditation to Counter Negative Self-Talk

This meditation is a surefire antidote to negative self-talk. I’ve never seen anyone able to sustain a denigrating diatribe when they’re centered in the heart.

Secret 3: Learn the Energetic Power of Your Emotions

In Energy Psychiatry I’ve learned to see emotions as a stunning expression of energy. Positive ones nurture you. Negative ones deplete you. You feel emotions internally, while their energy extends beyond your body, affecting everyone you contact. Similarly, the emotions of others can register in you. I’d like you to begin to think of emotions in terms of subtle energy, a “vibe” emanating from yourself and others, an intimate sensing. Subtle energy is right in front of you, but isn’t visible. It can be felt inches or feet from the body.

I realize that it’s one thing to know this, and yet another to live it. The problem is that negative emotional energy is basically louder, wilder, and more seductively grabs your attention than the positive. On an intuitive level, emotions such as grief and terror are easier to sense than the lower keyed vibes of calmness or confidence. It’s important that you channel this knowledge into new behaviors so you’re not the doomed moth eternally drawn to the flame.

Applying the Third Secret: Learn The Energetic Power of Your Emotions
Try An Intuitive Experiment: Sense the Difference Between Positive and Negative Emotions

In this experiment, you’re going to compare two scenarios. With both observe how your words and tone affect your body and emotional state. Spend at least a few minutes trying these words on.

Scenario 1. Stand in front of a mirror and sincerely say to yourself in a loving, appreciative tone, “I look terrific and I’m a fantastic person.” Stay focused on your positives. Then feel, don’t think. Notice: How does your body react? Are you breathing easier? Do your shoulders relax?

Scenario 2. Stand in front of the mirror and say in your nastiest, most hateful tone, “I look horrible and I despise myself.” Really mean it. Flare those negatives up. How does your body react now? Notice: Your shoulders? Your gut? Chest? I’m so taken by this exercise because it spells out that positive and negative energy are about as opposite as you can get. No confusing them. Ask yourself: Which do you prefer?

Secret 4: Map the Psychology of Your Emotions

Why do you feel what you feel? Where do fear of commitment, alpha achieving, or looking on the bright side begin? Which emotional coping styles hinder or serve you? These urgent questions are the life-blood of psychology’s study of emotions and behavior. You need to know your psychological self so unhealthy patterning doesn’t stifle you. Here’s a look at how psychology can liberate your heart and head. I’ll focus on one principle--“You are not your parents”--which is so central to your emotional freedom that it can dictate how you treat yourself and everyone you love.

Applying the Fourth Secret: Map the Psychology of Your Emotions
Take An Emotional Inventory of Your Parents

To get a well-rounded picture of your parents, I’d like you to take an inventory of their top five positive and negative traits. When identifying these traits, try to see your parents as human rather than idealizing or demonizing them. Get their pluses and minuses down on paper so they can stare right back at you. When reviewing the inventory, consider ways your parents’ assets or liabilities impacted you. Also, be truthful about the traits you too possess. If they are positive, embrace them. If they are negative, begin to work with one at a time to free yourself. You don’t have to worry about turning into your parents if you take action not to parrot their dysfunction.

Self-knowledge is a most impressive oracle, crystallizing who you are and can be. As it mounts, expect to feel a coming together inside of you, a beautiful feeling of awakening. I praise consciousness so unflinchingly because it’s the path to freedom.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff's Guide to Intuitive Healing: Five Steps to Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Wellness

I am a psychiatrist and intuitive. My passion is combining spirituality and intuition with mainstream medicine. When patients come to see me, I listen to them with my intellect as well my intuition, a potent form of inner wisdom not mediated by the rational mind. Accessible to all, it's a still, small voice inside-an unflinching truth-teller committed to our well-being. Sometimes I experience it as a snap-shot-like flash, a gut feeling, a hunch, a physical sensation, a dream. Whatever the form, it is always a friend, keeping a steady eye on our bodies and spirits, letting us know if something is out of sync.

Listen To Your Dreams

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff's "Positive Energy: 10 Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear into Vibrance, Strength, and Love ”

As an intuitive psychiatrist I worship my high octane intuitions. I owe the blessing of becoming a physician to one. However, at twenty, when an unwavering inner voice told me I was going to medical school, it was the last thing I thought I wanted. This gut centered voice committed to your happiness, health, and survival, is, with practice, accessible to everyone. But when you deviate even a nano-fraction from your inner voice, energy wanes, whether a subtle seepage or radical bottoming out. The more ferociously faithful you are to this truth the more energized you’ll be.

Intuition offers a direct line to your life force, and also, as I experience it, to a divine intelligence. We can’t afford to remain deaf to intuition’s messages. Its expertise is energy; its job is to know every nuance of what makes you tick. A master at reading vibes, intuition is constantly tallying: what gives positive energy, what dissipates it. Who you meet, where you go, your job, your family, current events, are all evaluated--crucial data that you can learn to interpret and apply.

Here’s a formula from my book, Positive Energy to help you get started. First, listen to your body: there are positive and negative intuitions about relationships which highlight compatible matches. Second, act on this information, which is often the hardest part. Let me walk you through the process.

Recognize Your Body’s Intuitions About Vibes

A people-skill most of our parents didn’t know or teach us is intuitively reading vibes. We’ve learned to draw conclusions from surface data: how nice someone seems, looks, education, or if a situation adds up on paper. But intuition goes deeper; to make it work for you other ingredients must be considered such as what positive vibes feel like, for instance a sense of heart, compassion, and nurturance. In contrast, negative people project prickly, draining vibes that put you on guard.

Here is a general guideline of body-based intuitions. Use this checklist at a first meeting, to troubleshoot problems if you're already involved, or to weigh “opportunities.” Also, feel free to add to it. Being an intuitive, I know that a signature energy always accompanies situations or people. Remember the Lil’ Abner jinxed cartoon character who always had a black cloud hanging over his head? Not a vibe that bodes well for auspicious outcomes. Instead, learn to gravitate towards brightness, a positive intuition your body’s responses will affirm. When tuning into vibes take a few quiet moments to go into sensing mode, not intellectual analysis. Look for these signs to determine attraction.

Positive Intuitions About Relationships or Situations

Negative Intuitions About Relationships or Situations

Intuition helps you act from instinct, not impulse--a look before you leap wisdom that points you to positive energy. When it comes to who you love, where your work, or any important decision, the last thing you want to be is vague. Tuning in keeps you specific. Practice the next exercise to get this down.

With Intuition Learn How to Pin Down and Act on Your Vibes

Now you’re going to tune in, trust your body, and make choices based on the vibes you sense.

Tune In: Choose a relationship or situation that needs clarification about whether or not to go forward. Perhaps a friendship, vacation or move. Begin with an easier target before you take on higher stakes. Run it by this section’s criteria for positive and negative intuitions--or others you find reliable. It’s helpful to make a top five list of the most killer indicators of positive attraction. For one of my patients it includes feeling energized and safe. Another must register an increased aliveness and peaceful sense. Write your top five in a journal so they don’t get hazy. See how they add up here.

Act On Vibes: This is where we must be warriors. I know personally and from patients how much easier it is to tune into than to act on vibes. Insecurity, ego, lust, stubbornness can obscure better judgment. Sometimes it takes succumbing to them all to realize you won’t tolerate such battering again. But if you don’t have to take such a bumpy route, try these options. If the vibes feel overall positive, go for it; explore possibilities. If the vibes are mixed or you’re unsure, take a pass or at least wait. If there’s just negative, have the courage to walk away, no matter how tempting the option seems. Then observe how listening to energy in this way leads you to the juiciest opportunities.

Now I want you to start listening. Really listening. I guarantee you’ll start making smarter choices. Why? You’ll be operating from a spot inside that’s juicy, core-felt, authentic--not from an impulse to conform or disown your strength. You won’t be seduced by what may look good, but betrays your gut. Intuition is a truth detector.

I'm intrigued with the idea of surrender, not as defeat or loss but as a positive, intuitive way of living, power that grows as you develop trust in the moment as well as in change and the unknown. In Sanskrit, surrender is "samprada," meaning to give completely, or deliver wholly over. I'm defining it as the grace of letting go at the right moment--the ability to accept what-is, to exhale and flow downstream with the cycles of life instead of battling them or anxiously brooding. Surrender doesn't mean always saying "yes" to everything--that can be dangerous and unwise--but it does mean going fully with a decision even if it entails withdrawing from someone or saying "no" to anger or fear.

Though surrender may seem counter-intuitive to making your goals happen, it can actually be the magical factor that facilitates this and relieves gridlock. Life becomes easier when you're able to let go. Burdens will lift or get lighter. Without wanting to, we may become overly defended and hold our hearts back way too much. But surrender frees you from these cages so it'll feel safer to love.

I invite you to watch my TedX Talk on the surrender. Why is it so powerful in success, health, and relationships? You can sabotage success by pushing too hard. Surrender is the antidote to stress in a world that relentlessly conspires to interrupt creative thought. Surrender boosts your brain's endorphins, our blissful neurochemicals.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff's "Positive Energy: 10 Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear into Vibrance, Strength, and Love ”

There is much speculation and anticipation about the advent of the winter solstice on December 21, 2012. This is the date that the Mayan calendar ends and their prediction of the 2012 Galactic Alignment phenomenon, which happens every 25,800 years or so. Some say this represents an opportunity or gateway for the re-birthing of humanity and our planet if we can come together and realize the strength of our collective unity. This means there’s no arbitrary division between Us and Them. That’s only our small-self’s hallucination, but one that can kill off civilization.

In Positive Energy I emphasize that every human being is of one family, a truth I’d bet my life on. Alas we no longer have the luxury to keep debating this. Our Earth, our home, is being plundered. No survival without Her. The fate of our species, of all species, depends on caring for nature’s ecosystems. At a subtle energy level, when wilderness is raped, so are we. When oceans are poisoned, our bodies wail. Causes of physical and emotional suffering are not as pat as they may seem. No coincidence that depression is epidemic and cancer is ravaging so many people dear to us. In our own way, we energetically process the surrounding violence. There’s a metabolism between the exchange of nations, communities, the earth, and our bodies. We must do our part to fight for the abundance of a healthy Earth and its people.

Recognizing that the path to peace is not outside us, we must be cognizant of the energies we project. Remaining naive to this is irresponsible; so is lip service. Though talk alone can uplift, its power pales next to embodying the change we long for. Practicing what we preach is the imperative of our millennium. It may be hard, we may falter, but so what? There’s no escaping that our energy as human beings collectively mingles. “Evil doers” never do it alone. Apathy to healing makes us their accomplices.

The key to this realization is that love is a sustainable energy. Always remember that. The mandate is simple. If you’re tired, love. If you’re happy, love. At your final breath, love some more. When it feels utterly impossible--such moments arrive--try to love again later. I promise: you’ll never leave empty handed when the heart is true. There comes a point when we must decide what our endgame is going to be, personally and for the planet. To me, the only one that makes any sense is love. It’s how we have to define ourselves beyond all other criteria. This will ensure the health and abundance for all.

The present informs the future. So make your present bright. A belief in love is unstoppable. You’ll have the courage to do anything. I want to share with you from my book, Positive Energy an interview I did with the legendary Rosa Parks, the mother of the civil rights movement and recipient of the Martin Luther King Jr. Nonviolent Peace Prize. Rosa Parks exemplifies what the power of love can accomplish.

Interview with Mrs. Rosa Parks from Positive Energy

On December 1, 1955 in Montgomery, Alabama my decision not to give up my seat on a bus to a white passenger was intuitive and spontaneous. Like usual, I was just headed home from work at the department store. I was forty-two then, had always thought about freedom. My grandfather and mother taught me that all human beings were equal. But on that bus I just knew that we, as a people, had suffered too long. Even though I was afraid to make a protest--I risked being beaten or killed--I set my mind not to give in to fear. I couldn’t continue to be mistreated for no reason. Then things would never get better. After my arrest, the bus boycott began. We were fortunate that Dr. Martin Luther King, at twenty six, was willing to take the lead. After 381 days of the boycott, the Supreme Court overturned the old laws and made segregation illegal on public transportation in Alabama. This became the model for other southern states to change. I don’t feel angry or victimized about the past, just grateful that the conditions we were under came to an end. If you stay angry at other people, you might miss finding friends among those you were angry with.

I believe that the most positive quality in the human spirit is love. The most negative quality is hatred that has no reason. We can create a more loving world by learning to respect our differences, not judging them. Hatred, like other negative emotions, is a choice. If you choose kindness and humanity you will have peace and prosperity. It also comes from being generous to others when there is no benefit to yourself. My friend, Dr. King, set a profound example for me and many others. He was an extremely kind person. He understood the soul of man.

I know that we can achieve Dr. King’s dream of a world where we come together and live as one. Love, not fear must be our guide. I see a world where children do not learn hatred in their homes. Where people don’t call each other names on the basis of skin color. I can see a world free of violence, where people from every race and religion work together to improve life for everyone.

As we step through the threshold of December 21st let us as one family, hearts joined, keep saying a prayer for the world: “May our people and planet be healthy. May our people and planet be happy. May suffering be lifted. May we know enduring peace.”

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff's "Positive Energy: 10 Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear into Vibrance, Strength, and Love ”

Energy comes from humor. However, each of us, even the crotchety, must locate our sense of what’s funny, raucous or wry. Although jokes often elude me, I really respond to the spontaneous comedy of life itself. I get a huge kick out of quirky little things such as children squealing as they pop bubble wrap. I consider loss of laughter a crime against psyche and spirit. With my patients, laughter’s absence never gets by me; I make it my business to notice when it’s missing, and help them recoup it. Otherwise, laughter-less, they’re unknowingly living in energetic poverty. We don’t ordinarily equate lack of laughter with deprivation, but, from an energy perspective it is.

Here are some pointers from my book Positive Energy: 10 Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear into Vibrance, Strength, and Love I give patients to help them reconnect with their inner child to get them laughing. In this exercise be authentic, have fun, and feel the positive energy. Sometimes laughing has become so alien, it helps to have a plan.

5 Strategies to Reconnect with Your Inner Child and Laugh More

I see laughter as a survival tool. As Emerson says, “The earth laughs in flowers.” When you laugh at something everything lightens up. Whatever tightness you have, that particular log jam is broken. The energy of your life force begins to flow again.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff's ”Positive Energy: 10 Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear into Vibrance, Strength, and Love ”

Are you longing for relationships that do your heart good and generate stronger connections? Tired of poor choices? Tepid chemistry? Want a more commanding role in who you attract? Knowing about energy can transform your modus operandi in this not-always-easy area to prevent loneliness and insidious fatigue. Then, no longer in an endless uphill battle, all systems are “go” for achieving your fondest dreams.

In my book, Positive Energy I discuss how to generate the positive energy of attraction: that mysterious, seemingly elusive magnetism between us. It masterminds love, friendship, work, and the chemistry of shared ventures. Attraction’s opposite is repulsion or aversion, the force that pushes away. As a psychiatrist, I work with my patients to help them grasp the energetic exchange between people - those who give energy, and those who drain it. Though attraction is often paired with appearance, IQ, bank account, or charm, these aren’t enough to summon such blessings. Doing so depends on realizing that you don’t just want attention; you want the right kind. The level of attraction I’m referring to has to do with life essences jibbing, a byproduct of both karma and smarts. You can’t completely control it, but you can modify your vibes to maximize possibilities.

How can we harness this intriguing alchemy to bring yearned-for prospects to us? The crux is to strive to energetically embody what we want to attract. For starters, take at look at where you’re at now. This entails nailing down parameters for what being positive does and doesn’t mean in terms of attitude and behavior. Once you’re definitive about this, you can strengthen these traits in yourself, and attract the same. What sets positive people apart is a determination to do their best, and not succumb to what’s negative in themselves or externals. Here is how I see it:

Positive people are:

4 Strategies to Attract Positive People and Situations in Your Life

Energy doesn’t simply have an on-off switch. Just as a radio emits has a volume control, you can adjust your vibes. You can amp them up with some people, tone them down with others. Here’s how to boost your positive signals.

1. Identify your best parts and speak from them.
Pinpoint your finest qualities. Perhaps irreverence, sensitivity, compassion, humor--then project them to the world. By speaking up and stepping out of your comfort zone you’re enlarging your energy field. Before meeting new people or going to important events prime yourself. Take a break for an inner pep talk. Think, “I’m not going to focus on my insecurity but on a strength; I’m going to feel and trust the positive energy inside me. I’m going to claim my full power.” Such a selective attention device puts your best parts front and center. Then, perspective shifted, it’s easier to confidently move forward. You can’t overdo this approach. Use it routinely. Making a choice about where you’re coming from focuses your energy.

2. Extend love outward.
Love creates an irresistible charisma, a warm glow that makes us and others happy. You can send it in any situation, a nurturing that won’t drain us. How? Focus on your heart, and envision something you love. A flock of seagulls. Your son’s smile. A blooming rose. Then, during a conversation, inwardly ask, “Let love flow through me.” Feel it rise from your chest; notice a sense of heat, serenity, a radiance. These energies move outward. People soften around it, feel safe, and want more. So, when standing by your boss start pumping away. Loving energy smoothes the rough edges of any circumstance, facilitates rapport. Try it even if you don’t like someone, but seek to get along better.

3. Regularly Meditate
Happiness can be increased by meditating. Cutting edge brain research confirms that we all have a certain mood set point, a range of feelings we usually inhabit. But with regular meditation, it’s been shown that we can alter our habitual moods towards the positive. In chapter 2 of Positive Energy I describe a simple but powerful 3 minute mini meditation to open your heart center. Use this method. When feelings surface during meditation, monitor them. Focus on what’s uplifting, not the swirl of negative emotions. Use your breath to center yourself. This inner turnabout transmutes pessimism to something higher. Subsequently, your vibes change; others will respond.

4. Commit to Emotional Housecleaning
Consistently chipping away at the negative makes room for more positivity in yourself. Self-awareness is our greatest ally against fear. Psychotherapy, introspection, meditation, journaling, and/or talking with friends all further healing. As negativity remits, you become more alluring.

Remember when doing this work not to hold idealized expectations, everyone--including yourself!--has irritating/challenging/disappointing aspects. We all have foibles. Even so, you can legitimately hope to personify and attract others fighting their way out of the muck with an open heart and sense of humor. These are my heroes and friends.